Calmer By Nature DVD Calms & Engages People

 Check out Calmer By Nature http://www.calmerbynature.com/index.html  On the website you will find a trailer to preview the DVD.  Sometimes I have it running in the background in my office just so I can listen to the wonderful sounds of nature while I’m working.  I find it soothing especially during one of our Minnesota snow storms; to hear the loons, ducks and the birds… it’s truly amazing and lifts me out of any cold funk I’m in.  I brought the DVD to the nursing home where my Mom lives and it was so fun to watch the reactions of residents.  Everyone on Mom’s community has Alzheimer’s disease.  Mom being in her end stages, but she still reacted to the sounds of nature.  I’m sure how much she can really see anymore, but she definitely can still hear.  It was amazing to watch a smile creep on her face and this contentment takes over her.  Other residents enjoyed watching and listening to the nature scenes.

 I give this DVD a big thumbs up.  Who of us can’t use a bit more calm in our life. This DVD works it magic on most anyone.

 Check out Calmer By Nature http://www.calmerbynature.com/index.html

Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures

By Lori La Bey of Senior Lifestyle Trends

Mom's 82nd Birthday Party

The guilt has passed or at least this last “Guilty Caregiver Wave” has.  My heart was feeling heavy because I canceled Mom’s 82^nd Birthday Party.  She is a “New Years Baby.”

I knew I would reschedule the party once I felt better and could coordinate family to be together, but for some reason this was more than a birthday party to me. 

So why the guilt?  Why the heaviness?  

I had to analyze my feelings.  I had to dig deep.  I needed answers and to find that peacefulness within me again.  I needed to understand the source of my guilt.

So looking back I now can see the important things that affected me.

First, you need to know Mom is in her end stages of Alzheimer’s disease.  She wouldn’t know if we had her party on her actual birthday.  Heck, she wouldn’t even know it is her birthday!  So what was my problem?

Second, I didn’t want Mom to be alone on her birthday.  I knew I couldn’t visit being sick, but I was afraid of her being alone, without family.  I was afraid my family wouldn’t go visit her.  They rarely do. I no longer get upset about that.  I no longer judge them like I used too.  I understand how difficult it is for them.  I understand and accept the fear they live with.

You see Alzheimer’s disease is like this invisible net that traps families. People get tangled in the net, paralyzed by fear seeing their loved one disappear before their eyes.

Now given all of my fears and my families, I do have to tell you my family all stepped up to the plate and went and saw Mom on her birthday, New Year’s Day.  I was so touched, so happy to see them put Mom first.  Or did they do it for me?  Knowing how much I needed them to visit.  No matter which it was, I was thrilled and I knew Mom knew they were there.

My two Brothers each got a different response from their visit with Mom.  One got a giggle the other tears.  Neither seemed to understand that was her way of acknowledging their presence.  The tears and the giggling didn’t make any sense, but it is how she communicates now days.  Normally she just sleeps, any change makes me ecstatic.

Third, I found my guilt came from this deep seeded feeling Mom is dying.  It’s not like she is going to die tomorrow.  It may be months.  I just felt and still feel in my heart she won’t have an 83rd birthday and so I wanted her 82nd to be perfect.  No wonder I felt a huge burden of guilt.  It all made sense now.  I was dealing with yet another stage of “Good Bye,” in this very long series on Good Byes, called Alzheimer’s.

 Fourth, I do have to share I did reschedule the Birthday Party for January 16^th, 2010.  We held it in a conference room at the nursing home.

This year’s Birthday Party was different.  Mom’s ability to interact had declined significantly.  I filmed it, but haven’t been able to look at it, to re-live it, and truth be told I probably never will.

You see the film captured Mom in her “lounging” wheelchair which takes up one corner of the room.  In the opposite corner was my family.  It seemed so strange to me.  The room felt out of balance, totally disjointed.  I don’t think anyone else was aware of it but me.   I’m just so connected to Mom.  It was hard to feel the disconnect, but to actually physically see it. It made me feel ill. It reminded me of a boxing match.

I tried to facilitate family to interact with Mom saying things like, “Would you like to feed Mom some birthday cake?  She loves her DQ cake you know.”  I felt myself working the room.  My mind kept saying “Don’t they get it?  Can’t they see the opportunity to create joy with Mom, for Mom, is dwindling before their eyes?” 

Fifth, I admit I worry about how everyone will do when Mom passes.  How will my family deal with their loss?  How will I? Will we be content with the time we spent with her?  How will we remember her?

I know bottom line I shouldn’t even think about these things, but I do.  I think it’s a natural thing to do, or it is for me anyways.  I do know that if I’m going to pose these questions they should only be posed to me, as I am the only one I have control over – me and my choices, that’s as simple as it gets.

I have learned worry is a useless emotion.  It fills no purpose.  It answers no question.  It just distracts, drains, and makes me spin.  So yes, I need to let go.  I need to stop worrying about things I can’t control.  I know I just need to focus on my relationship with Mom.  Nothing more, nothing less.  So why is it so hard when I know what I should do?  I guess getting older doesn’t change that. I just recognize it easier, well sometimes I do.

Sixth, this 82^nd Birthday Party was also different because I wanted to share with my family what I do with Alzheimer’s disease.  How it has changed my life.  How I am not just an occasional volunteer for a cause I believe in.  I am “AN ADVOCATE ON STERIODS FOR ALZHEIMERS’S DISEASE.”  I don’t even feel like I have a choice in this role anymore.  It is who I am.  It is why I am here.  It is my life, my mission, my purpose.

Given all this, I decided to bring my computer to the party strange as it may sound.   I needed to.   They all knew I did something with Alzheimer’s disease; it was time for them to learn what I do and why I do it. 

So as we decorated the room I played a music therapy video of Mom I had made this summer.  My family was amazed to see her beautiful response to the music.  Funny thing was, Mom responded all over again at the party to the music playing; she just was not able to respond like she did in June.  The change in her ability to react was noticeable to all.

I shared with my Brothers my resource website “Alzheimer’s Speaks” and the Blog.  I think they were both in a bit of shock when they realized how much this disease has impacted my life.  How it has lit a passion in me to help others deal with the disease.  How they have helped me realize the needs of families.

We talked about my book coming out this summer called “Alzheimer’s Speaks – Guiding Caregiver to Be Their Very Best! –  Giving Voice, Enriching Lives as the Cookie Crumbles”

I mentioned a TV interview which will be airing soon and will have Mom‘s music therapy session highlighted along with the work I do.  I shared a memorial jewelry piece I found we could create for each family member as a remembrance piece of Mom.  They thought was a cool idea.

It felt good to talk about these things with my family as they haven’t really been discussed.  One of my brothers came and heard me speak one time.  He just asked,”Where did all these stories come from?”  I was shocked as I had told them before, but we only hear what we want to hear.  What we are ready to hear.

Seventh and bottom line, the party was a success.  A shorter timeframe yes and less interaction with Mom due to her decline, but still a good time.   As a family we were together.  We celebrated Mom’s 82^nd Birthday together.  We captured wonderful photos filled with love, laughter, and of course balloons!  This we will have forever…to together. 

We wrote in a family gratitude book I started last year for family functions and everyone wrote a little something in the book.  Together the day was a blessing.  A gift of remembrance for future times.

My guilt has now disappeared and I look at the photos of Mom each day as they scroll on my website bringing me joy.  I’ve found that peacefulness inside once again.  Yes Mom’s 82^nd Birthday Party was a success.  It was a true Guilty Pleasure.

To see all the birthday party photos go my resource website they are on the home page scrolling with the big balloons.

at   www.AlzheimersSpeaks.com

A Fractured Day

A Fractured Day

By Lori La Bey of Senior Lifestyle Trends

Once again one of our reader’s shares a heart breaking story with  a twist, and I didn’t want you to miss out.  Michelle and I have had ongoing conversations regarding our Mothers.  This particular story real touched me and I felt compelled to reply and use her specific situation to show how our perceptions and attitudes at any given time can shift our experience.  Please read Michelle’s comment and my reply.  I’d love to hear your thoughts as well!  Remember there is no owner’s manual with this disease, so the more we share our experiences and thoughts the better off we all will be. 

 Hi Lori…yesterday…not a good day. The nursing home business office called me to say there was a balance in my mother’s account and they wanted to know who the check should be made out to…her estate or the funeral home. They suggested the funeral home, so I went with that. For some reason the call left me a little upset, but I went about my day. I had to take some paperwork to another office and decided to take a walk outside. I guess I was so preoccupied that I ended up falling down on the sidewalk and a kind gentleman help me to get up. I decided at that time that I had better get back to my office, but while doing so I was limping and in a bit of pain. Well because I fell during working hours I had to go to the emergency room and I now have a fractured ankle. Can you believe it??? but prior to going, I sat at my desk nursing my ankle and when I opened my desk I saw my mom’s obit. I became so upset because I thought how she would have been at my side during my visit to the ER. I hate that my mom is not here and I miss what she would be doing for me if she were alive.

 At home today nursing my ankle back to health and have sweet hubby waiting on me…hand and foot…LOL

 Take care Lori…and hope to hear from you soon. How is your mother and daughter doing?

Here is my response to Michelle

Oh Michelle,

What a horrible day, from the draining emotions of loss and grief to the physical pain of your ankle.  I’m so sorry you had bad day, but there were some good spots in your day.  I know it’s hard to see them when we are filled with sorrow so I’d like to take a moment and point them out to you, and when you’re ready you might decide to remember this “fractured day” differently. 

1)  For example, having a “balance.”  Extra money is always a good thing.  It would have been more welcoming if it wasn’t associated with the loss of your Mom, retriggering your grief.  I’m sure that is why you felt upset.  That would be unsettling to most any one of us in your situation.

2)  The kind gentleman who helped you up when you fall, that was a wonderful gesture. 

3)  Now the emergency room and the fractured ankle that’s never fun, but I do see a fantastic opportunity to shift this story.  You mentioned you hate your Mom is not here and couldn’t be with you at the hospital.  I totally get your thought process and have had many days where I focus on my loss and feel sorry for myself, my loneliness.  It’s a natural thing we do.  What if you look at opening your desk drawer and seeing your Mother’s obit, as a sign she was with you.  That she was trying to tell you she is there for you just in a different realm.  Think of her as your Guardian Angel, always at your side, always in your heart, always connected to you.  If you can shift your thought process to accept The Guardian Angel concept your reality will most likely become comforting.  You will feel loved, cared for, not alone or abandon; only reassured your connection with your Mother lives on past this physical world in which we live.

4) Living the pampered life with a caring hubby waiting on you hand and foot….not so bad honey, not so bad!  LOL

As for my Mother we did have her 82nd Birthday Party and I will be writing on it soon and posting pictures.  My Daughter is doing well.  She is has a wonderful new boyfriend and is doing well.  Thanks for asking!

Great Article on Friendships when Dealing with Alzheimer’s

Great Article on Friendships when Dealing with Alzheimer’s

By Lori La Bey of Senior Lifestyle Trends

Please check out this article “A New Friend or Speaking of Alzheimer’s” by one of my Blogging friends Kathy Ritchie, who blog is called “My Demented Mom”.  Kathy speaks honestly and openly about her feelings and experiences of maneuvering through the maze of Alzheimer’s disease.  I respect her thoughts, her insights, and her willingness to share the rawness of  her personal stories. In this post, Kathy has also posted a story about my Mother written by a very good friend of mine Patty Lien called “The Mother of the Bride” which is great read and a powerful story of acceptance and love.

http://mydementedmom.com/2010/01/21/a-new-friend-or-speaking-of-alzheimers-dot-dot-dot/

Sharing, Caring, and Creating a Safe Community

Sharing, Caring, and Creating a Safe Community

By Lori La Bey of Senior Lifestyle Trends

Once again I have to thank our readers for sharing such great questions, thoughts, and concerns.    We’ve had many comments on our postings, some come directly to me, others comment publicly here on the blog.  Today I want to point out the public conversations generated from the post “Gift Giving Another Causality of Alzheimer’s Disease.” 

The ongoing sharing and support between people has been amazing.  I thank each of you for being so compassionate, honest, supportive and understanding.  Even those that have not been touched by Alzheimer’s disease routinely comment or email me with their praise for the open communications that our community here on Alzheimer’s Speaks gives those in need and those needing to learn more about the realities of the disease. 

This has been my goal all along for Alzheimer’s Speaks,  “TO GIVE VOICE AND ENRICH LIIVES.”  I hope we never loss that which we have developed…Trust, Love, a Non-judgmental place to try to make sense of this crazy disease and how it makes us feel and the things we have to do while dealing with the disease. 

Kudos to each and every one of you.  Thank you for helping me create this wonderful community called Alzheimer’s Speaks.

Please read the post by Cynthia and my response. 

Sandra & Lori,

This has been a gift for me, your messages. This time is difficult. Sometimes are easier than others, even when it is heartbreaking. For some reason the last few weeks have become harder. Maybe she is reaching another level. Learning new ways to talk or communicate with mom. I see she wants to be left alone at times. She does not want me there, or most likely, she does no want me to see her like this. Sometimes, I think she feels I am babying her, or I am at a loss for the words, I can’t explain it right now.

I need to sell her house, and feel terrible about it, but need the money to continue paying for the nursing home. My parents worked so hard for that and wanted to have that be their gift to their children. Feeling like I am betraying her these days. My issue, not hers – right?

Thanks again, for the messages, sharing your stories, it is both beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,
~Cynthia

 HI Cynthia,

I know where you are and totally understand.  I call it a “Boat Flip,” when I get tossed into the cold brutal waters of truth.  I find I am missing the justice piece that I so dearly want tied to that would “truth”.  Yes, where is the Truth and Justice for all????   Isn’t that the American way?

The Truth is Alzheimer’s disease is far from “Just”.  There appears to be no rhythm or reason as to who gets it, how it will affect them and those around…

Your emotions are normal.  I agree you need to feel them fully to move through them.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the guilt, the sadness, are all real and valid losses.  

Please know you and your Mother are both going through another phase of this disease.  I can’t even guide you as to what the next phase is, as each person is affected differently.  But have confidence in yourself and your ability to make it through another shift.  If you take  time to look back you will have a tough time counting all the shifts and phases you have both survived. 

It is evident from your writings how much you care for your Mom, and parents in general.  Selling the family home is never easy.  Typically we are asked to make promises we have every intent of keeping until things change. .. Change significantly…like illness, like Alzheimer’s disease.  We never project our lives will be touched in negative manners that can happen and so often do occur.  

As Caregiver’s all we can do is what is best for our loved one with the information we have, with the assets available, with the laws we must live by; even if they are now in conflict with our loved ones wishes.

Know in your heart you have done the best you can do with the situation as it is now.  The guilt you carry is because you love, not because you have misled, neglected, or abused your Mom. 

Remember, you are still a child in your heart to this parent who now seems more child-like.  You still want your Mother’s love and respect.  As a Caregiver we worry at all stages, that we might lose our connection with them.  No matter how little their ability is to communicate with us, we don’t want it to diminish further.  These are normal feelings.  It’s ok to question your actions, but don’t’ beat yourself up, when you know down deep you are making the best possible decision for them within the realities of the situation.

 May your God be with you

Lori

*************************If you would like to read the full article and all the comments click here******************************

http://alzheimersspeaks.wordpress.com/2009/12/25/gift-giving-another-causality-of-alzheimer%e2%80%99s-disease/#comment-345

When is the time right to say “Good Bye” to a person who is dying?

When is the time right to say “Good Bye” to a person who is dying?

by Lori La Bey of Senior Lifestyle Trends

This question was submitted by Donna  who read  the post “The Clock Never Ticks So Loudly As When Waiting For A Loved One To Pass”

Great question!   here is my answer -

I look at it like this, and actually did this with my Father and have with my Mother, although my Mother is still alive and in her end stages.  I started talking about it prior to the very end.  Now not everyone reading will have this time and that is ok, because there is no right or wrong time to speak these words.  It’s all about your perception of what will happen when you say the words.  REMEMBER this, as it is critical!

For me, I told Dad and Mom many times that what I wanted, was for them to be pain free and happy.   That I would be ok when they decide the time is right for them.  That I would be there until the timing is right for them to pass.  That I love them and always will no matter how far apart we may seem.

You see, I think many people, myself included think that saying “Good Bye” means they are going to go.  They are going to die right then and there.  In reality, we just don’t have that much control.  I like you, have heard many times once you say good bye they depart, but there are just as many if not more who continue to live.  Once you accept this life and death decision is not yours but theirs, the burden is lifted. You will feel lighter.  The heaviness goes away.  You can breathe normally again.  It is God’s will.  Whoever their God is.  Whoever your God is.

Realizing this flips the whole situation.  Now instead of feeling like you are, “Pulling the Plug on their life,” you are supporting their decision.  This is HUGE!  You are now in a state of true unconditional  love, putting their needs and wants first.  The guilt is lifted from you.  Your words flow smoothly as they are come from love.  But you might ask how will they know that?

Remember, like them we express ourselves through multiple ways or senses.  Our tears as they fall upon them, our quivering voice as we speak the words, “It’s ok to let go.  We will be all right,” our shaking hand or trembling bodies as hold them all communicate how difficult this is for us.  They receive these communications through their senses and know your words come out of a deep, deep love and respect for them.  Even if they seem non-responsive they will know.

As I write this post, tears are flowing from my eyes knowing I will have to feel the pain of my Mother passing some day, probably sooner than later.  It never is easy, because we ache at our loss, but with our loss comes great peace for them.  There is no better gift then loving unconditionally and putting your loved one first, and knowing you will make it through this journey one way or another.  It is normal, it’s healthy, and not about to stop just because you can’t or won’t deal with it. 

So your choice is to carry the burden of guilt thinking you control the situation of when they will die, or releasing your fears and guilt by embracing the possibility that there are higher powers at work and a peaceful place for us to go to rest at the end of our life’s journey.

The Clock Never Ticks So Loudly As When Waiting For A Loved One To Pass

The Clock Never Ticks So Loudly As When Waiting For A Loved One To Pass

By Lori La Bey of Senior Lifestyle Trends

Here is a communication between a wonderful daughter and myself.  She is struggling in her Mother’s last hours on hospice.  We have been communicating privately and I know as we’ve talked before she is ok with me sharing communications.   Her struggle is a common one on many levels.  Please read her comments and my response.  This blog was started and will continue to be a tools to learn from each others experiences.

Hi Lori…my mom is still hanging in there, but today I went to make final funeral arrangements for her since they seem to be giving her 24-72 hours to live. I simply cannot go back to visit my mom anymore, it’s just too much. I do not want to sit there and wait for her to die. Making those final arrangements were tough but I had my husband with me who helped me not make too many hasty decisions. 

I’m home now resting, just took a sleeping pill and ready to sleep for the night. I am so mentally exhausted by this.

 You are in my thoughts and hope you are back to feeling well again

My response to this wonderful daughter in need of support -

Oh Honey,

I’m so sorry.  I know how draining all this is on you.  I’ve been there and lived it with my Father.  It sounds like you should be able to get a good night’s sleep. I’m glad to hear that.  It’s wonderful your husband is so supportive.  For that you are extremely lucky.  Let him take care of you, when you are too exhausted to do it yourself.  Let him protect you, as it gives him the opportunity to express how much HE LOVES YOU!

Also know it’s ok if you can’t sit with your Mom until the heavens part and accept your Mother into all their glory.  She will understand and you have to remember you’ve done your work with her.  She knows how you feel and how difficult this transition is on you.  Many times people won’t pass with loved ones near if they know it will be too difficult on them.  So rest assured, you are doing the right thing for you and that is what your Mother would want.   I can tell from your writings the bond you two hold.  You don’t want her in pain and she doesn’t wish that on you either.

Be proud of how you have, and continue to handle this journey.  You are filled with loving intentions and it spills over to all you write, and I’m sure ,all you do and touch. 

Remember the reaction you got from your Mother when you told her you loved her.  How she came out of her cocoon and expressed acknowledgement of you words and touch.  I would imagine that memory will be hard to beat.  Never release that feeling of joy you had.  Your Mother knows you love her and want what is best for her, and that you have fought to make sure she is comfortable, safe, and pain free. 

You have been your Mother’s guardian angel through this process, and she will soon be yours.  Embrace the thought of always being connected, no matter where each of you is.  You have a divine connection through love and in love with your Mother.

Sleep tight.   You are in my thoughts and prayers.  I’m here is you need me.

Lori

Give Gift Giving Another Spin? You Decide

I received a lot of comments  via the blog and private emails, on two of my articles of Dec 25th titled “Gift Giving Another Causality of Alzheimer’s Disease” and “The Perfect Gift for Someone with Alzheimer’s Disease” dated Dec 10th.

The reason I bring this up  is a wonderful Blogger and Author by the name of Laura Bramly, who Blogs for ”Elder Care Talk” did a spin off article on mine.  I found her thoughts of interest and wanted to share them with you.  Here are the links to the original articles of mine if you want to review them first.

http://alzheimersspeaks.wordpress.com/2009/12/25/gift-giving-another-causality-of-alzheimer%E2%80%99s-disease/

http://alzheimersspeaks.wordpress.com/2009/12/10/the-perfect-gift-for-someone-with-alzheimers-disease/

Here is the link to the article Laura Bramly wrote -

http://eldercaretalk.blogspot.com/2010/01/love-really-is-greatest-gift-of-all.html

I would love to hear your thoughts.  I posted a comment on Laura’s blog in response to her article as well.

A New Years Regret

A Cancelled Birthday Party

By Lori La Bey of Senior Lifestyle Trends

Today I had to make a really difficult decision.  It may not seem like much to most, but I agonized over cancelling my Mother’s 82^nd Birthday Party.  Mom is a New Years Baby.  My heart aches unsure Mom if will make it until her 83th Birthday. The odds are against it as Alzheimer’s continues to steal her away bit by bit.  

You see I have this horrible cold and I know I should not be around Mom or at the nursing home when ill.  I also know the last thing I should do is cook and get others sick as well.  I know I could have asked others to bring food and drink or order it at the last minute; but bottom line I want to be at Mom’s party.  Selfish I know.

I asked myself many times, “Why do I feel the party can’t go on without me?”

 Is it my ego getting in the way? 

My answer kept coming back “No.”  It’s not about my ego.  It’s about enjoying our time with Mom.  It’s about appreciating Mom, all she has been, all she is, and all she has to offer even in her end stages of the disease. This party is about family getting together to celebrate my Mother’s Birthday like we did last year on New Year’s Day.  This party is about unity, simplicity, and love. 

I am hoping family will still stop by and visit Mom tomorrow on her birthday, New Years Day, but I also know how uncomfortable everyone is doing that on their own.  I understand their discomfort.  I understand their lack in confidence on what to say and do when a person doesn’t appear to respond.  I appreciate the fear they feel.  I understand their sorrow as they look at Mom and they feel they don’t know her anymore.  I appreciate the sense of loss they hold and the anger that burdens them. 

You see, I too have felt all those things over the years, but I’ve been given a gift to look deeper, to feel deeper.  I have been given the gift to let these emotions process and let them go, so I can move forward and engage my Mother.   I know longer judge others and get angry because they don’t visit Mom.   I just pray someday soon they will be able to see and feel what I do when I visit her.  I pray they will be able to connect with Mom like I do and will see the brief glint in her eye, or smirk on her face.

These things give me reason to be sad, scared, and excited at the same time, as most of my family has not seen my Mother since her last Birthday.  Even with me there to guide things along, it was tough on them.  Now, this year, Mom has slipped even more.  If they do visit, I know they will be shocked.  I’ve tried to prepare them for these changes, but it’s just not something they want to hear.  My thought is that if they visit individually that will be easier on Mom.  The party atmosphere would be difficult for her at best, without someone who can interpret her needs.  I’m that person for Mom.  I get her.  I see things in Mom most do not.    

I do plan on rescheduling Mom’s Birthday Party, but want to make sure my Brothers are able to be there. My younger Brother travels a lot for work, so the scheduling gets complicated, but we will figure it out. 

I am trying to tell myself everything happens for a reason.  Maybe cancelling the party will allow my family to see the changes in Mom and process them alone.  Maybe this will give them private time with Mom to say whatever they need to say to her.  Maybe this in the end will be a gift to all, and we will celebrate together later.  Maybe this year Mom gets a “tofor” – a two for one opportunity to see family.

I just pray I made the right decision, the one in Mom’s best interest.  I pray my ego did not get in the way.

Gift Giving Another Causality of Alzheimer’s Disease

Gift Giving Another Causality of Alzheimer’s Disease

By Lori La Bey, of Senior Lifestyle Trends

My hands were aching from shoveling the wet heavy snow and my body was chilled, but I wanted to stop at Mom’s.  If I didn’t do it now I knew I would curl up at home and not want to leave.   So off I went to visit Mom at the nursing home this X-Mas day.  I didn’t even get the card I had picked out for her.  I didn’t trust myself. 

I was afraid I wouldn’t leave the house once I went in.   I figured Mom wouldn’t mind if I brought the card tomorrow. This was my first year I wouldn’t even bring Mom a gift for Christmas. I almost bought flowers, than realized I was going to be buy them for me, not Mom.  The truth is I’m not sure how much she can really see any more. 

I knew for sure she wouldn’t remember the flowers were for her, or who they were from.

I knew beautiful flowers didn’t trigger anything special for her to hold onto, so what would the point be? 

Yes, the flowers would be for me.  I would ”look like” a caring daughter, but flowers have nothing to do with how much I care, how often I visit, or the quality of my visits.  So I decided to pass on performing for looks, purchasing flowers to play a part.  Performing for my ego.  It felt strange to put my gift buying in prospective like that.  Even as I write this knowing full well my thoughts are true, it was so strange to walk in empty handed.

Yet on the other hand, for many years now I’ve whined about the commercialism of Christmas and how disgruntled it makes me feel.  How we have lost the true meaning of the holidays and the simple appreciation for one another.  Since Mom’s been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I am usually able to look at things in my life in a deeper fashion.  What is relevant and what is not?  What has meaning and what doesn’t and why. 

That part of Alzheimer’s disease has been a gift to me.

But like most Caregivers dealing with this disease, I ping, and I pong.  I can see the good, the bad, and the ugly; depending on the mood I’m in.  I also realize the sadness I feel about not buying a gift for my Mother because there is no joy in giving her a gift at this stage. Who would have thought Alzheimer’s disease could take gift giving from me?  Of all the things I could list which I’ve lost due to this disease, I have to admit, gift giving would not have been something I would have ever thought to write down, but the reality is, gift giving another causality of Alzheimer’s.  Another loss. 

Now in the later stages of Alzheimer’s it is work to try to get a response out of Mom for any gift she receives.  Gift giving is not meant to be work.  It is not meant to be work of recognition of receipt, but many times, it is what we do with an Alzheimer’s patient.   We try to connect and the gift is a tool to do that.  So we try hard to get approval, recognition – for what we have given someone.  When a person with Alzheimer’s is not able to respond to simple comments or directions, it can become counter-productive and frustrating for all. 

I also have to mention, prior to Mom being in her end stages of the disease, she gave me much joy when I gave her something, anything.  She was like a small innocent children thrilled to receive any present or kind gesture from another person.  I guess I need to balance the loss I’m feeling today, with the extra joy she gave me with that glint in her eyes in earlier stages.

I need to focus on that which I already know.  I need to accept and appreciate the gift of our self is simple, easy, and needs no direction or comment. There is no decision on what to buy or how to wrap it.  Our delivery is the important thing with this gift.  Our attitude.  Our love.  Our compassion.

Hoping you all enjoyed the holiday!